I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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