Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
