dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
