you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
