I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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