sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
