Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
