so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
