I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
