dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
