I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
