quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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