She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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