I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
