Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
