I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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