Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
