I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
