I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
