My sheets look like a crime scene.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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