alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
