I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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