R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
