The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
