Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
