??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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