whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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