I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
