i was born a porn star she said
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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