If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
