Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
