i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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