all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
