hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
