She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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