I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
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Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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