hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
