she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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