I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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