I heard we made out
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
