I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
