There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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