On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
