Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
