Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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