you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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