she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
