I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
