it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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