so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
