were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
whose parrot is this?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
