Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
