I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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