so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
