made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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