This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
