i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
