Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
