I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
