I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
