I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
ok first of all what the fuck
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
